I am on a quest to find an equivalent to drinking, that will enable me to have all the rights and privileges of a lubricated person, without the health implications and brain numbing forgetfulness that drunkenness implies.

My first idea was to create a yellow jumper badge, pictured. When wearing the badge, you have the same rights as a drunken person. I call it the yellow jumper effect.



Here's a list of some of the drunken person's rights that wearing the yellow jumper badge entitles you to. Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments :)

• Dance crazy, including on tables or very close to people you don't know
• Drop your drink in the middle of the dance floor, and forget about it with a shrug of the shoulders
• Take multiple photos of the same groups of people
• Compete wildly
• Approach and talk to whomever you choose
• Tell your private feelings and emotions to people you know, and those you have just met
• Flirt outrageously with people
• Pee in public

My research has uncovered the following alternative routes to the same effect, to mimic the effect of alcohol without the alcohol itself.

Wear a mask or paint your face:

At a murder mystery game recently, it was the mere addition of a cuban cigar and a painted on mustache that mimicked being tipsy. The simplest of props can make you feel like a different person, and pull you out of your view of yourself, which works wonders at reducing inhibitions. Acting class starts next week so I'll have more personal experience of this one shortly.

Indulge in extreme sports:

Installing a climbing wall at your local pub may seem far fetched, but I have it on expert opinion that they are safe and easy to install, and the high you get from being dropped from the top of one of them is apparently enough to keep you floating on high for the evening. Racing cars in pubs in the UK is probably another avenue for the same adrenaline fused sensation.

Play a game:

Something as simple as stickers, given to us at a hen party with the instructions to distribute them to the men in the pub was enough to give a load of soberish girls the excuse to behave in ways that would have otherwise been out of character.

Likewise, playing CrowdScanner at the Irish Blog Awards on Saturday, asking people what they would do if the word was about to end in one hour, telling myself and others that I was collecting opinions for the question of the week, was a strong enough incentive to overcome any inhibitions about what people would think.

I'm on the hunt. I refuse to separate myself from the drinking population and simply have fun in other ways. There has to be a halfway point, where I can go some way towards letting loose and being silly, and they can drink a little less and still have as much fun as before. If it only takes a yellow jumper badge or a silly mustache, then it's worth it.

Yellow jumper badge anyone? Get yours here...