Do you ever find yourself in a situation that you didn't plan for? And that frustrates you? And that you feel like running away from? Because you feel out of control?

There are certain situations that I don't function well in, and I continually forget that I have a habit of avoiding them, or sadistically forcing myself to survive through them.

They generally involve being away from my concept of "home": somewhere I can be warm, in my own company, with clean clothes, with access to food I prepare myself. Although I love the company of people, and I am a chatterbox once you get me going, something about being around other people *all of the time* just fucks with my brain.

One example would be trekking to Annapurna Base Camp in Nepal by myself, or so I had imagined, for 12 days, with a porter. It was quite tortuous for me but I only told this to a few people because it was supposed to be the most amazing experience ever, so I was met with a few strange looks when I explained how *hard* it was.

Not only were the mountains freezing cold, but I had to rely on others to cook for me, to plan where I was to sleep, I had little clean clothes, and zero personal space. I was sharing bedrooms, bathrooms, common areas, and I was *trapped* in mountain towns, as they had only one entrance and one exit so I couldn't even escape on a walk alone (which was also not recommended after walking for 6 hours already!) and I was constantly followed around by my porter. It drove me to tears one day as I realised how dependant I was on this girl who carried my home on her back, and I just wanted to ESCAPE! Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

But I thought that I was getting better at dealing with it. We go couch surfing, and have people staying at our house without many problems, but being simultaneously snowed into Berlin and captivated by it, I have been plunged into familiar frictional circumstances which make it clear to me that I was deluding myself.

I have in actual fact been meticulously planning to avoid this behaviour. I conveniently cut all links to people and situations after approx 3 days which is probably my limit, and retreat into some comfort-zone-Ellen-time to recover.

I can't quite figure out why I find it so hard. I can analyse it till I'm blue in the brain, but I think its connected with wanting to make people happy, and wanting them to like me, and so I compromise, losing connection with my own opinions. I go along with the group - and even if I think I want to do what they are doing, I feel like they are deciding for me and that I am out of control.

The occasional temper tantrums that I feel rumbling inside of me are so strong sometimes that I can't hold them back. Their power grows stronger as they are standing on their fellow previously unexpressed emotions. Added into the mix is the frustration with myself for being so stuck in these behaviours.

Sometimes I hate my brain, I hate human circuitry, and I love the concept of hacking that I learned from the hackers conference we were at in Berlin. I wish I could break my grey matter down, and reprogram it to behave the way I want it to. I'll have to get my new electronically gifted friend Jimmy to help me attach an Arduino to my frontal cortex.

As I face into another few days in Berlin, I very much want to be able to deal with this without running away, plus there's no where to go! So it occurs to me after writing all this that there could be a snow filled new years invitation to put to use all of this meditation stuff I am supposed to be learning and living... and in actual fact, just being reminded of it gives me a lot of comfort, and a *solution* as such, yay! :) to let it be... to accept what's happening, and to watch it. To notice when I am angry with myself, when I want to change, when I want to run away, and when I need to express something, all the time repeating to myself, "it's ok". It's all ok.